Letting Go and Rejoicing!

For the past 7 months, I have been nitpicking details of Alex's birth in my head. I had the "perfect" homebirth stuck in my head. It was also filled with negatives such as I won't do this medical thing or I won't consent to that treatment or I won't have this, or I won't give birth in X-position andI must be on guard at all times against medical professionals. Will not, can not, do not, not not not no no no. Then when it came down to it, I ended up with a hospital birth, with consented-nay REQUESTED artificial rupture of membranes, on dry land, with some oral anti-hypertensive drugs. I felt a failure according to the high natural childbirth specs that I held. I stressed M out with all of my anti-medical thinking in regards to childbirth, I was a birth snob! (I still prefer a less medicalized approach to birth as pregnancy is not a sickness)

I realized, just now, as I watch my sweet baby boy sleeping right next to me, that he indeed, was born in a really good and loving way. My body didn't "fail" me, it worked just fine to grow (and still grow through my breastmilk) and nuture this tiny human. So I'm changing my thinking from negative to positive!

*I did labor without any pain meds so they wouldn't cross the placenta (although I did ask right before I hit transition, but I did that with my daughter, and you know, that is ok)
*I did have 100% of M's support throughout the pregnancy and labor-He was (and still is!) my rock, my extra strength and my soother.
*I did move around like I wanted to, or how my body dictated to me to do it and was free of any cords/lines/straps/monitors/IVs.
*I moaned, vocalized, hollered, whined, bitched, talked how I wanted to with total support from M and our midwife. (I know at the time, I annoyed myself with the complaining and bitching, and them too, but they were never ever negative to me about what I was saying)
*I progressed rather quickly, like I wanted to, as it was only 4 hours after AROM that Alex was born and my long drawn out 2 days worth of 10 minute apart contractions kicked into a more productive high gear. 30 minutes after AROM with my daughter, she was born. 3+ hours after AROM with my eldest son, he was born. So anectdotally, my labors speed up with AROM.
*I was able to shower for a little while like I wanted to do.
*I wore my own night gown--silly I know--and not a horrid backless hospital gown.
*I drank sugared soda during those 4 hours when and if I wanted to and free from ice chips.
*I gave birth standing up, bent over the bed, using gravity and letting my body birth him (in 3 quick pushes)
*M's loving hands were the first to hold Alex as he was born into M's hands and arm.
*The lights were low and the room was warm and quiet.
*Alex was handed to me right away, and I threw off my nightgown, hitting poor M with it, and layed down on the bed with Alex on my belly for some good warming skin to skin contact WITH the light green flannel Pooh Bear blanket that I wanted to be the first blanket to touch him over top of Alex and I.
*I had the rush of euphoria and oxytocin with the birth which helped to make the bonding between Alex and I very strong AND also made the bond that I felt (and still very strongly feel) between M and I that much stronger. I felt like I had just said my marriage vows to him all over again!
*M was the one who announced that Alex was a boy.
*The cord wasn't cut until way after it stopped pulsing and that was when we found that he had a true knot in his cord, but it didn't seem to affect him as he was 9 pounds 10 ounces.
*I had a natural 3rd stage and delivered the placenta, again standing up and again letting my body do the pushing.
*I had an intact perineum even with a nearly 10 pound baby!
*Alex breastfed withing the first hour of birth.
*M had an excellent bonding experience with Alex by also snuggling with him with skin to skin contact whilst I birthed the placenta, rested a bit and then got ready for a shower.
*Post birth checks/APGARs were done while Alex was on me and done in a respectful and kind matter as I have a hard time even recalling them. I know that they were done, but they weren't intrusive to the first bonding moments.
*Alex was never suctioned in any way. He was never gurggly or in respitory distress.
*Alex was quickly and efficently weighed (with a funny comment on the "good sized wedding tackle" LOL! I think that made M ever so proud--Like father like son! Men and their fixation with genitalia size!! LOL LOL!!)
*Alex's first diaper was a super soft fluffy green cloth diaper as I had a theme in my mind that the first thing to touch him would be either be warm, super soft, or loving.
*We were back home within 7 hours of his birth although I was ready to go as soon as I had a shower and was dressed when he was 1 1/2 hours old. We stayed so the Ped could give him a once over but it didn't happen until nearly 7 hours after he was born.

So as this list shows, we had a good birth. the most important aspect was that Alex was born into his Daddy's hands, M's big strong loving hands. Hands that had waited years and years and years to hold their own flesh and blood baby. It is the rush of love that I felt ( and still feel) for Father and Son.

I am letting go of my homebirth grief, stop mourning the perfect homebirth, and rejoice that we had a very good birth, that was very much hands-off, and just happened to be in a hospital. I love my baby, just like I love my eldest son, just like I love my daughter, just like I love my husband.

I will always be very pro-homebirth, and now rather than comparing birth stories to what I did or didn't have, I will rejoice with these new parents on the births and lives of their babies!



M, I LOVE YOU!!!!