Letting Go and Rejoicing!

For the past 7 months, I have been nitpicking details of Alex's birth in my head. I had the "perfect" homebirth stuck in my head. It was also filled with negatives such as I won't do this medical thing or I won't consent to that treatment or I won't have this, or I won't give birth in X-position andI must be on guard at all times against medical professionals. Will not, can not, do not, not not not no no no. Then when it came down to it, I ended up with a hospital birth, with consented-nay REQUESTED artificial rupture of membranes, on dry land, with some oral anti-hypertensive drugs. I felt a failure according to the high natural childbirth specs that I held. I stressed M out with all of my anti-medical thinking in regards to childbirth, I was a birth snob! (I still prefer a less medicalized approach to birth as pregnancy is not a sickness)

I realized, just now, as I watch my sweet baby boy sleeping right next to me, that he indeed, was born in a really good and loving way. My body didn't "fail" me, it worked just fine to grow (and still grow through my breastmilk) and nuture this tiny human. So I'm changing my thinking from negative to positive!

*I did labor without any pain meds so they wouldn't cross the placenta (although I did ask right before I hit transition, but I did that with my daughter, and you know, that is ok)
*I did have 100% of M's support throughout the pregnancy and labor-He was (and still is!) my rock, my extra strength and my soother.
*I did move around like I wanted to, or how my body dictated to me to do it and was free of any cords/lines/straps/monitors/IVs.
*I moaned, vocalized, hollered, whined, bitched, talked how I wanted to with total support from M and our midwife. (I know at the time, I annoyed myself with the complaining and bitching, and them too, but they were never ever negative to me about what I was saying)
*I progressed rather quickly, like I wanted to, as it was only 4 hours after AROM that Alex was born and my long drawn out 2 days worth of 10 minute apart contractions kicked into a more productive high gear. 30 minutes after AROM with my daughter, she was born. 3+ hours after AROM with my eldest son, he was born. So anectdotally, my labors speed up with AROM.
*I was able to shower for a little while like I wanted to do.
*I wore my own night gown--silly I know--and not a horrid backless hospital gown.
*I drank sugared soda during those 4 hours when and if I wanted to and free from ice chips.
*I gave birth standing up, bent over the bed, using gravity and letting my body birth him (in 3 quick pushes)
*M's loving hands were the first to hold Alex as he was born into M's hands and arm.
*The lights were low and the room was warm and quiet.
*Alex was handed to me right away, and I threw off my nightgown, hitting poor M with it, and layed down on the bed with Alex on my belly for some good warming skin to skin contact WITH the light green flannel Pooh Bear blanket that I wanted to be the first blanket to touch him over top of Alex and I.
*I had the rush of euphoria and oxytocin with the birth which helped to make the bonding between Alex and I very strong AND also made the bond that I felt (and still very strongly feel) between M and I that much stronger. I felt like I had just said my marriage vows to him all over again!
*M was the one who announced that Alex was a boy.
*The cord wasn't cut until way after it stopped pulsing and that was when we found that he had a true knot in his cord, but it didn't seem to affect him as he was 9 pounds 10 ounces.
*I had a natural 3rd stage and delivered the placenta, again standing up and again letting my body do the pushing.
*I had an intact perineum even with a nearly 10 pound baby!
*Alex breastfed withing the first hour of birth.
*M had an excellent bonding experience with Alex by also snuggling with him with skin to skin contact whilst I birthed the placenta, rested a bit and then got ready for a shower.
*Post birth checks/APGARs were done while Alex was on me and done in a respectful and kind matter as I have a hard time even recalling them. I know that they were done, but they weren't intrusive to the first bonding moments.
*Alex was never suctioned in any way. He was never gurggly or in respitory distress.
*Alex was quickly and efficently weighed (with a funny comment on the "good sized wedding tackle" LOL! I think that made M ever so proud--Like father like son! Men and their fixation with genitalia size!! LOL LOL!!)
*Alex's first diaper was a super soft fluffy green cloth diaper as I had a theme in my mind that the first thing to touch him would be either be warm, super soft, or loving.
*We were back home within 7 hours of his birth although I was ready to go as soon as I had a shower and was dressed when he was 1 1/2 hours old. We stayed so the Ped could give him a once over but it didn't happen until nearly 7 hours after he was born.

So as this list shows, we had a good birth. the most important aspect was that Alex was born into his Daddy's hands, M's big strong loving hands. Hands that had waited years and years and years to hold their own flesh and blood baby. It is the rush of love that I felt ( and still feel) for Father and Son.

I am letting go of my homebirth grief, stop mourning the perfect homebirth, and rejoice that we had a very good birth, that was very much hands-off, and just happened to be in a hospital. I love my baby, just like I love my eldest son, just like I love my daughter, just like I love my husband.

I will always be very pro-homebirth, and now rather than comparing birth stories to what I did or didn't have, I will rejoice with these new parents on the births and lives of their babies!



M, I LOVE YOU!!!!

Bouncing Baby Boy!!

Alex M was born at 4:27pm GMT Saturday Jan 5th (11:27am eastern, 10:27am central, 9:27am mountain, 8:27am pacific) 9pounds 10 ounces, 21 1/2 inches long. He was born into his Daddy's loving arms. He had a true knot in his umbilical cord. He has long thick brown hair and blue eyes that we think might turn green later. He looks just like Daddy with some of new Grandma H's features mixed in. He is breastfeeding like a champ, and surprisingly enough after how active he was in utero, he is so calm and quiet.

Daddy is so proud and (I think, more than I) in love with his new son. Alex is cute and squishy and adorable. He even has the dimple in his chin that I find so adorable in his Daddy.

Unfortunately, due to the pre-eclamptic sysmptoms that we tried for over a week to get rid of were still present when I was in labor and we ended up transferring to the hospital instead of having Alex at home like I had wanted. HOWEVER, Jan, our midwife, made special concessions for us and stayed with us for the entire labor and birth rather than the usual hand-off to hospital personel. She made sure that all interventions that we didn't want were not done to me or Alex. With my superhero Husband's help and support, I did it pain-med free, standing up, and after 3 pushes, Alexander slid into his Daddy's waiting and loving arms at 4:27pm into a low lit, quiet room. Daddy and Jan handed Alex to me through my legs, and I held him skin to skin right away and wrapped him in a soft receiving blanket that we brought from home. Alex barely even wimpered after he was born. All in all, minus being at home, we had exactly the birth that we wanted, and were back home by the time Alex was 7 hours old, and we all cuddled up safe and snug in our own bed for a good night's sleep.

Ahhh. Bliss!

41 and 3

Still here, hanging by a thread.... We went in for monitoring, bp, blood and urine tests. Baby's movements and heartrate are excellent, my urine and blood came back normal-no protein spillage, but my bp remained a bit high and the swelling/edema in my lower legs remained as well, but I chalk that up to sitting for nearly 6 hours in chairs waiting for results. The doctor thought that I should stay in overnight for bp monitoring every hour with a 70% of them squeezing me in for an induction. I got the deer-in-the-headlights-look on my face, and M and I discussed it, and we both knew from previous experience that there was no way that I'd sleep at all in the hospital and then go into a possible induction that we were setting me up for big time failure. We reasoned with the doc and her higher-upper person that it would be best that we just go home and get some sleep, and we would call back in the morning with the proviso that any blurry vision/headaches/chest pain that we'd return immediately.

We went home, ate, and went to bed and I had an emotional melt-down. Not for mourning the loss of my UC/homebirth, but of the SHEAR TERROR of having to go through that special kind of hell (for me, that is) called induction. My first-born was induced at 41+3, and that is what I am today. By the time I finally asked for the epidural, I wanted to claw my face and belly off, and was pleading for the L&D nurses to knock me out under general anesthesia and c-section me.

I got about 5 hours of sleep. It is amazing to me how nackered I get when I have been crying. I got up and took a bath to try to come to grips with the induction, and had a complete break-down again. M called the hospital to see if they had space for me and they wanted me in pronto. I got out of the bath and curled up on the bed and sobbed. I could not come to grips with an induction. My intelligent mind told me that I *should* go in, but emotional mind wouldn't let me. I was too emotionally fragile, and I knew then and still know now, that if I had gone in that I'd end up resenting myself, my dear sweet M, and even my innocent unborn. What would be a fix for one day would become years of what needed to be fixed. We called in, and they tried to persuade us into coming in today because they had room today (barely), but we asked if a community midwife could just be sent out for a bp and doppler tones later, and a reschedule of induction. We are asked to call in Friday morning to see if there is any room, otherwise Monday morning, or we go in if something drastic happens as a spike in BP, blurry vision, headaches, and/or chest pain.

So hopefully my water breaks before then, and labor starts before then--otherwise it is induction hell for me.

2007 +: A Year and a Bit in Review

2007 is nearly gone so I thought that I'd join in the fun of reviewing my year, plus a little bit more.

I will actually start Dec of 2006 because that was the start of one of the hugest changes in my life, second only to becoming a mother. I moved from the USA to Birmingham England to get married to the love of my life. After a bazillion months of waiting for M to be able to move to the States, and for us to get married legally according to the 187465108435081760435618645 laws on immigration to the USA, we found out that it would be quicker and a bit "easier" for me to move to the UK and get married here. We planned on later on, after everything was settled and L had finished her Kindergarten year at her private Christian school (She was doing supremely well and thriving in her 4 student classroom) that we'd have her move here. So November 30th, I said farewell to all that I knew in the USA, and landed December 1st in the UK, my new temporary home. M and I scheduled our wedding day AS SOON AS LEGALLY POSSIBLE--December 29th, 2006. It was a very small quiet affair, that you may as well call it eloping. There were only six people total; M, his Mum and Dad, the Registrar (official) and her assistant, and myself. We went out to a posh chinese restaurant afterwards and then on to the new In-Law's for Chocolate cake, champagne, and presents. We didn't have a honeymoon anywhere. Just things plain and simple, basically keeping in mind that one of the reasons I came over was to save up enough money to move back to the States. I do have to admit that M and I started working on the newest generation right away :)

Fast forward to April 17th, because Jan, Feb, and March were dull drab and sad homesickness months. That day, M had the day off and we were going grocery shopping, and for purely practical purposes, I took a pregnancy test just to see if we needed to pick up monthly supplies for me----Uhhh The test came back PREGNANT!!! I was shocked and stunned because during the time that should have been conception time, both of us were ill, and I just didn't "feel" like it worked--boy was I WRONG!!! I came out of the bathroom, bawling and holding on to the test stick, and cried at M saying "We did it!!!" M didn't understand right away because he didn't see the stick, so he came over to me, saw what I had in my hand, took a look at it, and quite litterally his knees buckled and slid down the wall. Tee hee! WE DID IT!!!

May and June were a flurry of preparing for a 2 week trip back to the States to visit friends and family.

End of June, specifically my birthday, we left for Iowa, Missouri, and Minnesota, to see family and friends. We spent the first 2 weeks of July in the USA and M got to experience a real hometown 4th of July, parade, candy, fireworks, beer and all. I got to meet my eldest brother's TFG (The Fabulous Girlfriend) Diana and her son Hayden and her Angel daughter, Hannah was there too. M got to finally meet my both of my brothers and I think that they all got on supremely well (it is great when ALL of the in-laws get along, with the added bonus of liking each other) We then went on to Missouri to visit friends there--oy it was HOT HOT HOT there! We shot guns and played with bows and arrows. We laughed and talked and melted in the heat. We then popped back in with my folks for a day of rest and then went to see my Grandpa and Grandma Evans for a day at the Evan's family farm. We had a great visit as well as lots of joyriding on their 4-wheeler (I think that the 4-wheeler rides were one of the top highlights to Z, L and M's entire trip!) Our last stop was my friends in Minnesota, and M got to finally meet Tonya, Freddy and crew. We went swimming and Mark and I camped out in a tent in their backyard and Freddy entertained us with bon fires. M, the kids and I had such a great time that we didn't want to leave.

The rest of July and a good part of August was again drab and sad because of the homesickness and missing the kids. We found out that we had done things backwards about having L move with us, as she she should have come over initially with me, and that if we brought her over now, that it would be super expensive, and we might as well plan on making the UK our permanent place of residence. My folks enroled her back in her school and (hopefully, happily) are raising her for another school year for me.

End of August-September Z and L start school. Z is now an official middle-schooler. He started band, and through try-outs of insturments, Z and his band teacher picked out the clarinet. He is still involved in the Gifted and Talented program. So it was the start of a lot of new school things for Z, but still retaining the same familiarity of the same school system and school friends that Z has had for 6-7 years. (The longest that I got to enjoy that kind of same school stability was 10th through 12th grade) L got to go back to her school and same teacher that she had in Kindergarten for which she was THRILLED!! She loves loves loves her teacher and friends--in fact her best friend's name is Love!

Fast forwards to the end of October, my favorite holiday, Halloween! We had our first (and turns out only) birthing class. I dressed up as a horny pregnant lady--Ha! I did find the atmosphere here in the UK surrounding Halloween depressing as most people hide out in their homes with all of their lights turned out because kids will egg and TP homes and bully people into giving them candy or money on Halloween. It is flirting with danger of being robbed or beat up to go out at night on Halloween, unless you are a kid in a hoodie gang. ...nice... Complete opposite to the small town midwest USA halloweens that I am used to, and feels safe and happy. There are a few cases of malicious behaviors, but it isn't the norm, like it is here.

November bring a peculiar celebration here-Guy Fawkes Night--where between Halloween and the 5th of November (officially GF Night) people all over set off fireworks. It is a celebration of a failure! way way way way back, like in the 1600's, this dude named Guy tried to blow up Parliment with a bazillion kegs of black gun powder and his plot was foiled and he was hung, drawn, quartered, and his body parts were displayed all over England (If you have seen Braveheart, then you kind of understand the mode of death that Guy had) So they blow up fireworks in rememberance of a failed dead guy.

The rest of November went quickly, as we celebrated M's birthday, and watched my ever expanding belly grow and grow. We did have a hiccup healthwise. I came down with a sudden chest infection, that had me struggling to breathe, and the concern of a Pulmonary Embolism was brought up. I had a 2 night stay in the hellspital....er hospital..while they ran tests to see if I did have a PE. It was ruled out. It did however, make me more determined to have a homebirth with this baby like i had wanted to do all the way back when i was pregnant with L. There were a few good people at the hellspital, but I had far too many nurse Ratchets in there whilst being stuck in a room with 4 other people separated by only curtains, and having one old geezer yelling out in the middle of the night "Yes! I'll 'ave that bacon sandwich!" and another spitting in his emisis basin every other minute then dumping the contents out in the handwashing sink in the room--don't worry--no one ever washed their hands anyway-EVER! No wonder nosocomial infections (hospital bugs) can spread like wildfire! M and I were so happy to hear that a PE was ruled out and that we could go home, that he hugged the doc, much to her surprise.

December-busy busy fast fast fast with growing baby and shopping. Because baby WAS due the 23rd, we kept Christmas day pretty low key, especially since I had been in and out of false labor since the 19th. False labor is an insidious thing, I tells ya! M and I have been so anxious, happy, excited, depressed, worried, blah, sad, and generally annoyed these past few weeks it is just unreal. WE JUST WANT TO HURRY UP AND MEET THIS BABY!!!!! But we wait, and wait, and wait, and wait some more.

Yesterday, the 29th, was our first anniversary. We had a bit of a baby scare, because Baby wasn't very active in the morning, so we ended up with an non-stress test being done--basically a monitoring strip done. First anniversaries' gifts are paper---well M got to see that piece of paper and we both had peace of mind, because as soon as the monitors were strapped on, Baby got busy in there, and even gave us a case of the hiccups. So we came home and ate Chinese and looked at our wedding photos. Awww--What a year!

My wedding band has this inscribed in it "Le mo ghrasa mise agus Liomsa mo ghra" It is Gaelic and roughly translated "I am my Beloved's. My Beloved is mine." Throughout all the years happenings, M and my love has grown stronger and more precious. We are so happy and in love with each other, and we look forwards to many more years of love! I truely am my Beloved's and my Beloved is truely mine!!!

Happy New Year to you all, I wish you many blessings!



....and, no, the baby isn't here yet....

40 weeks and 4 days

Well, we are through the Solstice, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Happy Z-mas sans newest wee bairn. Today and tomorrow and the 30th will be days that have no designated "something else's day" to it. The 29th is our first wedding anniversary, and then of course the 31st is New Year's Eve and then New Year's Day. Note to Baby: the 27th, 28th and 30th are good days to have a birthday!

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were actually blessedly free of the bazillion contractions that I'd been having. We had a quiet Christmas with M's parents. We watched one of M's new DVD's. Then after his folks left, M and I had the very "traditional" T-bone steaks with saute'd mushrooms and onions. MMmm!

I got to call my kids at their paternal grandparent's house (as their father has no real telephone right now) and got to wish the kids a Merry Christmas and to Z-a Happy Z-mas! I can't believe the boy is 11 years old already.

The 26th was such a non-day. Both M and I did nothing really as we were both feeling a bit grey. We went to bed as pretty much normal and slept until our "lovely" neighbors blared Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" to the drunken fools to the street below so that the fools could sing along to it at the top of their lungs. It was shortly before 3 am. I realized that at 2:53 am it was still 8:53pm on the 26th, which is exactly 11 years before, Z was born. Awwww!

M and I went out grocery shopping and then picked up our anniversary presents to ourselves-3 nesting side tables. Since we don't have (nor want) a coffee table or regular dining table, we have been eating off of some old wobbly side tables. Mine broke a leg off on the 25th, so we decided to buy the tables. We do try and live minimally and frugally as we don't want too much stuff to deal with when we move, but sitting here, with a new sturdy table makes me wish we would have done it sooner. They are so nice and nice looking. Anyway... we went shopping so that I could walk down steps, carry heavy things and help these contractions that I have been having all night and all day, along in some sort of pattern. No such luck. They are a bit strong, but I am soooo unconvinced that these will build to anything, that I am not going to even time them.

I have indulged myself today and had A LOT of coffee! Mmm! I am very surprised that Baby isn't doing gymnastics in there.

So that is life thus far--I hope everyone had a happy and blessed Christmas/Solstice/Kwanzaa/Channakah/Eid/Yule/Winterfest!

40 weeks--Full term

I am going to copy and paste what I wrote in my dute date club's check in thread:

"Today is my EDD.

I was certain that I was in slow labor part of Friday, and alllll day Saturday. Contrax were 10 minutes then 8 mins, then 6, then 4, and I was dealing well with them. I was in a good mood. We called the midwife over for a check (no vaginal exams) and she said by feeling on my belly that baby was at a 3 station into my pelvis. She left and we decided to rest and Hubby and I laid down to sleep. I slept all night and so far this morning I have had ONE noticeable contrax. What the &^£%$£*^&$%*$ happened??? I should have babe in arms. I feel so frustrated with my body, and feel like I am "failing". My Goodness! I woke up this morning thinking about packing my bag to go to the hellspital. For F*(k'$ sake--might as well knock me out and section me and while they're at it give baby some formula. I am starting to feel "distanced" from my baby, body, and labor that even baby's once joyfull reassuring kicks have become more of an annoyance.

Hubby is beside himself with distress and worry as he has never been through this and throughout the entire pregnancy he's been looking to me for calm guidance--I have none of that to give. He is great to cry to and on, but his frustration level is about at the breaking point and I think we may end up fighting if we aren't careful.

Sorry to start the day on such a down note--hopefully things will look better later."

Well, one of the midwives came out and came to the conclusion that my water hasn't broken, that I am in no "danger" of needing to go to the hospital. Baby's heartbeat is good, movements are good, everything looks good, just that it was a good round of false labor. So we go back to the waiting game. M is feeling better, but I still feel frustrated. I have had lots of well meaning texts, IMs, and phone calls asking if I have had baby yet. I kind of still feel like a failure.

So we wait.....

39 and 5

Yesterday was a midwife visit. It was good. Not much to write there.

Both M and I are still hoping that the babe will make his/her arrival very soon, but any strong contrax that I had petered out again. Having a baby today would give baby a cool looking palendrome birthday 12/21. Otherwise there is still the Solstice~~super romantic!

M and I both slept super well last night. We stayed up to watch "Tootsie", the 80's flick with Dustin Hoffman, and then I'd say within 10 minutes of turning the TV off, we both were zonked. I woke up with (Halleluja!) NO pelvic bone pain, and could enjoy being pregnant for a little while. Baby is a little less active than normal, but has had the hiccups 2x today and it is only 9:45am. This kid has had the most case of hiccups than Z and L combined! She/He should have a really toned diaphram by now!

I am off to go lay down, as my feet are swelling up a bit as are the wont to do when I sit for more than 2 hours at a time.

39 and 3

After a weekend full of contraction and "impending labor signs" everything petered out and now-nada. I *knew* better than to get my hopes up, and getting my hopes up, got M's hopes up which all came smashing down something horrible yesterday. We both were nearly in tears when he had to go to work last night because we were so bitterly disappointed. Then to top it off, M had an utterly craptastic shift at work. So we just curled up into bed, watched some TV for a bit and both just crashed.

I had such a happy fun dream last night that I couldn't help but to wake up in a good mood. M even said that one time when he looked over at me while I was sleeping that I had a big smile on my face. In my dream, Freddie Mercury was still alive. M and I were at a movie theater, and he knew about a special thing happening. Curtains open and Queen is on stage! They started out by singing "Somebody to Love" and Freddie jumped off the stage and started singing with people in the crowd as he walked up the aisle. He came round to M and I, put his arms over our shoulders and I told Freddie that I couldn't sing, couldn't carry a tune. He told me that he didn't care, he just wanted to hear my heart sing. So M and I sang with Freddie Mercury to "Somebody to Love" in my dream! How cool was that!!!

This morning when M came and woke me up, I told him, and I asked him to get his Queen CDs so we could listen to the song. He played it for me, and I just glowed happily through the entire song. What a great way to start the day :)

39 and 1

I "thought" something was going on yesterday, but also had thought that it was probably my body playing tricks on me--I was right. I slept soundly until 2 am and was ravenously hungry, but drank my glass of cherry coke and went back to sleep until 7:30 am and HAD to eat right now. So now instead of being woken up by needing to pee or having a contrax--I wake up starving. I took a nap and again woke up starving! Geez! I didn't know that sleeping was such a hunger inducing activity!

Today's contrax have been mild and widely spaced..no baby today.

39 weeks

Oooh! things are happening! Without going into too much information for you, Reader, there are some very noticible changes happening to my body and contractions feel a bit differently than before. M kept asking me in the middle of the night if I was OK as he said my breathing was different than normal. For the most part, I slept fine.

We did get up early and started doing a clean and clear of the flat, mostly because M's folks are coming over for a visit, but I think it was the last bit of nesting for both of us that needed to be done. It now smells of lavender, lily and orange in here, and it is pleasing to me but M is feeling a bit sneezy and snoggy because of it.

All Christmas shopping has been done except 3 DVD's that M just needs to go across the road to the shopping center and pick up and a new roll of wrapping paper so we can wrap them. All other gifts have been sent and 95% have reached their destination. Flat is cleaned and disinfected, baby clothes sorted, birth supplies sorted and put away in an easily accessable place, presents done, tree up all we need to do is finish laundry and dishes in the sink--but my back is sore right now, so I'll sit back and relax.

I am ready for baby as I'll ever be, I just hope that M is as much as he says that he is.

38 and 5

Today we had a size and presentation ultrasound done---No we specifically asked not to be told what our baby has hiding between his/her legs, as we prefer to see baby's face before we check out baby's private parts. It was basically done because the head of community midwives was "concerned" about presentation and baby's weight. Translation: "I have fatphobia, and since you are fat, and we aaaalllll know that fat women have fat babies, and it is harder to palpate a fat woman's belly to feel for presentation--you "need" a scan done." Eh-I only agreed to it because my regular midwife and I know that baby is head down, and I am not scared of birthing a big baby, basically picking and choosing battles. I "won" several battles on testing + for group B strep (I had consented for a swab done to check if I had a yeast infection NOT for GBS, and needeless to say, I was UNTHRILLED when we were told that I was + for GBS) Usual practice is hospitalization during labor so high dose IV anti-biotics can be given every 4 hours until birth. IV abx causes more harm than good sometimes and I researched good alternatives that even the medically minded midwives could say that they are good alternatives such as a chlorhexidine (Hibiclens) vaginal wash every 4 hours in labor is just as effective as IV abx for preventing transmission to baby as well as killing off any E.coli that is hanging around unlike the IV abx. Then of course there is the "worry" about transferring to the hospital, and here you have to by ambulance and *shock-horror* I am too big for their stretcher so the fire brigade out to take me in. I am so not worried about it, and I have tried to convey to the midwives that I am not worried or uptight about this birth.

Ok-rambling on, sorry, so back to the scan--Before we even got to the scan, we had to see an OB who basically tried to scare me out of a homebirth and kept asking me if I "felt fully informed" about refusing IV abx, about having a homebirth and my anethestic choices "WHEN" I transfer into the hospital. By that time M was seething and I was UNTHRILLED, but I kept my cool and simply responded that I was well educated and I had NO questions for him. He signed the little sheet so that we could continue on to do the scan and we quickly got out of there. M and I talked in the scan waiting area about the OB and M said that he was going to ask if we really had to go see the OB again after the scan. The midwife that he talked to said that as long as the scan came back ok, that we could basically bugger off home. We had the scan and *taa-daa* guess what--baby is head down and measures exactly in the middle percentages with an estimated weight of 7lbs 4ozs (I don't set much store in late scans and their weights as they are NOTORIOUS for being wrong) However, I told M that I felt smug about being right about baby being just fine because *shock-horror* Fat women CAN have healthy safe pregnancies and healthy normal babies!! M told me that I have every right to feel smug :)

Today, I have decided that I am 75% sure that I am *DONE* being pregnant. I haven't finish nesting, but that is ok. We are going to have a spicy meal tonight, I am drinking super strong Red Raspberry Leaf tea (it is a uterine toner and is known to help with labor), and fresh pineapple, and then later on M and I will be doing some other adult activities to help kick-start some labor! As much as I have been having braxton-hicks contractions, I think it is time to get this show on the road!!

38 and 4

Yesterday, I went out with my mother-in-law to do some Christmas shopping. We had a great time and I got everything on my list that I wanted to get. Yay! However, on walking aroung the shopping center, there were school kids singing Christmas songs by the big tree in a center part and they were around the ages of my very sorely missed children back in the States. The kids' voices were angelic, but I couldn't stop to listen to them, otherwise all I would have done was bawl--the body-wracking hysterical sobs that one only cries in the privacy of their own home. As it was I cried a little anyway.

Sooo today I am super super super hormonal and sad. I want to cry at everyone and everything. I didn't sleep well last night and I have terrible pelvic bone pain (I have had this pain since the beginning of the 3rd trimester--yay-lucky me) which make repositioning in bed excruciating at times. I am done with the pain, I am done with the bazillion braxton-hicks contractions that I get every day, BUT I am not done being pregnant. I like the special bond that I have with this new little life right at this moment. Because I am not ready to be "not-pregnant", I am a bit worried that this little one will come early, and thus compounding my hormonal mess that I am right now.

I am off to bed to go cuddle with M. I feel safe in his arms and my train-wreck of a day will just melt away.

37 weeks 5 days..or so..

So I was finally posting after many many moons, when my very loving, bleary eyed, has to get up at stupid o'clock to go drive the masses around, Sweet husband, came to me last night and asked if I'd stop what I was doing and just please come to bed. Poor guy had had a reoccuring nightmare about me and dying in front of the PC. So I quite happily shut the darned thing off right there. I was in the middle of the last post when I did...sooo continuing on...

Where was I? Oh yeah, my favorite subjects as of late--pregnancy, birth, and parenting :) Baby is doing well and growing. He/She likes to try to bruise or escape out of my left side right above my hip bone. Z rode low, L rode high in my lungs, and this one likes my left side including my left lung. I am still happy to be pregnant, especially when some of the ladies in my DDC at MDC are "done" being pregnant and ready to have their babies right now. I can actually sleep through the night without the

37 Weeks 4 Days Pregnant--Give or Take a few Weeks

The trip to the States was fabulous! We had such a great time, the kids had a great time, the family had a great time, and the friends had a great time!

Coming back from the States, and splitting up from my kids again hurt hurt hurt beeding heart crushing stabbing pain hurt. I stayed in bed for a week. It took me about 1 to 1/2 months to come around again to being myself.

Helping to keep my sanity is my Due Date Club at MotheringDotCommune. I spend a lot of time there. It is my feel-good place.

M and I are doing excellent and we have never been as close as we are now. He is wonderful and 100% behind my wishes to cloth diaper, and homebirth our baby. He is excited and nervous about the birth, but I know that when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of labor and birth he will be my rock. He's also very open to the attachment parenting style of parenting. He hates the idea of letting baby cry it out to go to sleep or "self-soothe", he is happy about co-sleeping since he is such a cuddler anyway, *laugh* he's very pleased about me breastfeeding, and that none of mine/our children are or will be circumcized (England doesn't do routine infant circs anymore anyway--YAY!) He is also very interested in baby wearing as we have 4 no-sew baby-wrap carriers and a ring-sling on the way courtesy of my Mom :) The cloth diapers that we got are super soft and sooo cuddley. M has agreed that after baby is born, I can order some gender-specific diaper wraps and I have several patterns/places already picked out to order from.

So according to the community midwives I am 37 weeks and 4 days pregnant. The estimated due date is the 23rd, however, baby will come when he or she is ready. I would love a Solstice baby as the 2005 summer Solstice at Stonehenge was when M officially proposed to me, but then I could see this little one choosing to share a birthday with his/her brother on the 26th, or even deciding that he/she wants to share the day with Mark and my first wedding anniversary on the 29th.

I also have the "ok" from my midwives to have the baby anytime now... nice to know I have their "permission"

My Poor Neglected Blog

So, here I am, faithful reader to those on my blogroll, yet I never post on my own. Perhaps that I find everyone else's lives infinitely more interesting than my own, or perhaps that I am terribly s-l-o-w at typing and it takes me what seems like hours just to post a little snippet of my life...

Well things are going well with M, Baby and I. As of today I am 14 weeks 5days pregnant and the little one is very active. When we had the ultrasound done, s/he was very busy in there and it was hard to get a good still picture. On the 26th of June we heard the heart beat for the first time at another midwife appointment. M got a bit misty eyed--awww-bless him :) Since I am fat, I am not showing yet although M swears that I am. I can't wait until he is able to feel baby kicking and moving around.

We are celebrating my birthday this year in grand style---we are taking a trip back to the States, and we leave here at 2 am GMT (8pm Thursday June 28th Midwest USA time) Friday June 29th--Happy 31st birthday to me. We will be travelling until 12am GMT June 30th or 6pm Midwest USA time June 29th. I get an extra 6 hours to my birthday LOL. THEE best present will be seeing my children, family and friends!!! I am so excited! There to greet M and I at my folks will be Z and L, Mom and Dad, Pete, Scott, and Diana and her son Hayden! (I found Diana's blog through a link at Mothering Dot Commune, read her blog for quite a while, then out of shear cosmic goodness, she and my brother met , and I finally get to meet her :) *happy dance*)

We are then going to show M what the 4th of July is like (how ironic is that---showing the Brit what our Independence day from Britain is like) After that we are going to see my friends J and K for a few days down in the bee-you-tee-ful area known as the Lake of the Ozarks---we are all going hillbilly, I will be Sally Jane, and M will be Jethro.

After that we will be going to visit my wonderful grandparents, and then on to visit my friends T and F and play with some fire, play in the water with the kids, and laugh our hineys off! OOO and we are going to be there on Friday the 13th---spooky, LOL

Then sadly it will be time to make our way back to the airport and back to the UK. I like the UK, but I have to honestly say that I LOVE THE USA!!!!!

We did it!

I am pleased to announce that M and I are expecting a bundle of joy round about December 21st 2007!!!

We found out on the 17th, but kept it hush hush until family was told. I really wasn't expecting to find out that I was pregnant this go around because I had been sick about the time that I should have ovulated. I just didn't *feel* pregnant. I took the test on that tuesday morning purely because M was off of work and we were going shopping that day. I was running low on tampons and thought that I would take the test just to prove that we needed to purchase tampons that day. I watched in disbelief as the plus sign appeared. I started crying tears of joy, and then wandered out of the bathroom holding the stick, and cryed out to M "We did it!" He looked puzzled because he hadn't seen the test stick in my hand. He got up from the couch and i shoved the test in his face, "We did it, Look!" He took the test from me and also stared disbelieving at it and stood with his back to the wall and slid down to the floor. He too started to cry tears of joy.

I had envisioned better ways to tell him, more romantic, or sweeter, but when the time came, I "exploded"! LOL!

We told his parents in a cute way though. We wrapped up some baby bibs that said "Made in England" on them. We put them in Christmas paper since baby will be born around the winter holidays and gave each of them one. M told them Merry Christmas, and at first the didn't get it. When his mother finally got it that she was being told that she was going to be a grandmother, it was like a brick fell out of the sky and hit her on the head. *BAM* and then she started crying at us! what a cry fest we have going on in this post! LOL!

I have my first Midwife appointment on May 1st. Plus, M has wholeheartedly agreed with me on a homebirth! YAY!

TTC

No pregnancy this month...

I am now understanding the emotional rollercoaster ride that is trying to conceive.

....at least it waited until after valentines day.....